DID JESUS COME TO SAVE US?

would he reallyy save someone like me? I asked myself that alot since noone (I felt) wanted me in there life. i must be meant to be damned.
Growing up going to church (Catholic) with my step-mom and (southern baptist) with my mom. i half ass paid attention and mainly went for the breakfast after. all i remember is heearing about giving money, last supper, revelations and thee world is in the lasty days and you need to be saved.
I felt unsavable since all i heard was sin seperated us from god. I WAS A SINNER AND EVEN GOD DIDNT WANT ME AROUND

Save me from myself:
if i could tour the house i grew up in where would i start?  Maybe the driveway where as soon as i got off the bus i would hope my probation officer wasnt sitting waiting on me to take my routine urine test. Yes that was in high school i smoked pot and loved to drink but drink the whole bottle was the goal.
Racing out the door on a saturday afternoon still in my jams to go smoke a blunt with my boys around the corner then patently wait for the friend around the corner could score some "white Girl"(cocaine) so we could lace the joint and drink our bottle. I was the one who sat upfront with the dealer so I could score the ounce in his glovebox while he took a leak outside the car. when he realized it was gone he came to me begging me to tell who it was while not smelling it on me. I wish i could have seen the red flag then but that was just the sprinkles on the cake.
Before my junior year i was stealing my brothers ridilin to snort with our beer while we waited non our dealer to score some acid. At this point could i answer what salvation was? i could score any and everything before i got my drivers education course complete.
Maybe I would want to spend time in the room that became mine after my brother moved in with my mom in florida, there i tore pages out of the bible so i coud roll my blunt on the cover. this room was my quiet place my get away my salvation? it is where i would write short stoires poems , songs and love letters. i skip pass the room where i spent my 7th grade year in an hour for every class i had so six hours of my weekend each day i was supposed to focus on learning but what i managed to focus on was how much i felt unwanted, hated, stuck and when could i score one of those pills i had my best friend get from her mom for headahes. I had passed smooth out at the dinner table on axnax while i should have been eating dinner with my parents and my little sister.
Maybe i would spend time in the basement, if so i would think about the time way back when i was kicked out , homeless and i worked for my dad and he would take me to work and let me crawl through the basement window so that i didnt have to sleep on the streets. sad ? maybe because this was before i was even 19. i turned 18 in juvenile detention center where my father picked me up with my clothes in a trash bag and my last check. we cashed it and i chose the cheapest little hotel that i could pay weekly and threw my clothes on the bed and headed to dennys so that i could make tips for rent and i could eat at work. Sure it was fun at first but i didnt know God at this time and could jesus really save me at this point. i felt as if this was my eternal punishment for not following the rules at home. HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY YOU ARE NOW HOMELESS MAKE A WISH

Yesterday may have been they easiest yet to come or a few days. It has absolutley nothing to do with recovery from addiction to drugs; it has everything to do with the babbydaddy drama. Kids phones are off that they got three weeks ago due to the relocation of their father from colorado(state next door) back to Florida. That part in itsself has caused confusion with the kids but those edges were smoothed out until the kids woke up to the phones not working. Teenagers say the damndest things most of the time but when grandma has heard or  had enough to the book it goes.
So now i am blocked from their page and im not to feel disrespected(in which i dont, i feel as if it was a punch inthe gut) rather than make a big deal i said cool i get it. i would much rather be into it about why child support hasnt been paid in a year and that was only the second to third payment made in a good fifthteen years.
Guess i gotta leave it in the hands of the internal revenue sservice and sine he is back in the state that it was court ordered they wont let it slip through the cracks.
My son will be driving on his temps in a matter of weeks and he really wants a truck, to be able to make that happen is my main focus from now till the birthday in August.
He has been scouting trucks out on the web and he sees the price ranges and of course we all have dreamnt of our first car. i would like to come as close as a single  parent with a fixed income can and not so hot credit. so looking for a car for myself will just have to wait until money starts falling from the stars or hild supports invades this years taxes. The stress of recovery from drugs is far easier than trying to help recover your children broken hearts

The one thing you hear in recovery is"one day at a time" and this becomes your motto your strength your normalcy. You are urge not to focus on the past or the future just to live in that day and recovery is your main focal point. To most this works and many do their very best to get as close to nailing it on the head as anyone can. i need to plan i need to have a goal farther off than just the nearest 24  hours. i only drive myself insane to think that ive come nearly six months feeling as if the first three months of sobriety was a dramatized version of a horror film wasnt enough to sit and get satisfaction from 24 hours. this beeing the hardest recovery from the the strongest deadliest drug ive never thought i would become i feel that this can only be the start of something greaater than i could read or see i   a movie. maybe just anxiety kicking in or findin its place in my not as twisted world as before. trying to find a hobby for someone who lifelong hobby was getting higher than the day before isnt as easy as doing the drugs thats for damn sure. things always seem to fall in place then while all i do now is trying to figure out who am i and what am i about. pretty simple questions you would think but this person i am is unknown to me. i still have that take no bullshit attitude but its directly towards everyday life not with the ones i use to let consume my life before. i watch more movies now but they are mostly older ones , ones that i remember growing up, GOONIE, MEDICINE MAN, GOOD FELLAS, WIZARD OF OZ and so on.

Work with me on the time zone thing for some time its pacific. Anyway since the new year im going to try to exeercise in the a.m and see if that helps any with how i feel during the day. b12 has become my best friend it really does help. i just dont like how tired i am by five in the evening. everything is new so just gonna go with it. im wondering if the tics from using will ever go away

After putting kailee to bed tonight i almost wanted to cry it has been so long since "tucking her in" we read some spiritial devotions and then prayed and now i just sit here and watch her sleep. man the things i took  for granted. im so blessed to have them back. The Lord is showing me the right path and man its so beautiful more than any sunrise or set you willl ever see

UP AT THE CRACK OF THE MORING , i cant say dawn since its still dark and cold as heck outside. brought in the new year with 142 days under my belt and at midnight when it was time to beat the wooden spoon on the pan it broke, of course i thought o crap my ma will be mad as ever but we are just gonna look at it as if i broke the spoon of bad habits. I know im not out the woods yet but it is time i can say im not even wanting to get high or even desire such type of people in my life. im not judgemental of them but i can love them as gods children but i am no longer attracted to them. i guess when i think about it ive always had an addictive personality as far back as middle school atleast,wanting the popular kids clothes and hair styles. i was more of a drifter i got along with everyone but my heart always went out to the underdogs and that began my actual first shot at drugs Period.